If you have been unfaithful, you may be wondering whether or not you should confess. If you choose to let it go, these tips will help you with the dreaded speech…
Before making such a decision, the expert we interviewed recommends asking yourself at least three questions: What do you want to get out of this? Do you intend to work hard to regain his trust? Do you think it could happen again? You can make a decision based on your answers.
If you choose to face the truth and confess everything, these steps will help you have that difficult conversation. How the other person reacts and the consequences of your truthfulness are things you will only know once you have spoken, but it is likely that you will do the least harm possible.
How should the conversation go?
What you should always bear in mind is that no matter how the conversation goes, it will hurt your partner. DO NOT start with a ‘we need to talk’. Sure, it will be an uncomfortable conversation, but hearing this phrase will make the other person immediately defensive and make it much harder for you to get your point across.
Needless to say, taking advantage of a slightly intimate moment, such as shopping at the grocery shop or setting the table to welcome your parents for dinner, is not a good idea and shows how little intention you have of pursuing the topic. You will avoid raising your voice and everything will be shorter, of course, but running away from the conversation is not a good idea.
The key is to find a quiet moment, without letting many days pass between your decision to confess and the conversation because then time will work against you. You need to choose a neutral day, with no other important events (don’t think of overshadowing a personal or professional problem to make your infidelity look good!) and you need time to be alone and talk.
One final note: remember that these steps will not help you if the other person has already found out that you have cheated on him/her.
1. Don’t beat around the bush!
Make a short speech and get to the point. Don’t even think about giving sordid details of what you did or telling exactly what happened. Your partner will probably ask you questions anyway, so don’t pre-empt the intimate descriptions he or she is likely to ask and, of course, simplify and say everything tactfully.
2. You are not the victim, avoid the dramatic plan!
Even if you feel this way, which presupposes that you will not feel good when you confess something like this to your partner, don’t start crying like a madman or flogging yourself on the air for your grave mistake. You have hurt someone and that is what is important now, not the pain you feel.
3. Never blame the other person!
No matter how much you feel attacked or insulted, let go of your partner who has minimal responsibility for what you did. Even if your relationship recovers, you will be burdening your partner with the trauma and weight of having thrown you into someone else’s arms, or she will return it to you as soon as you behave in a way that is only slightly similar to what you are blaming her for. Any possible problems you had before your affair should be marginalized in this time of confession.
4. Don’t expect sympathy!
Tell your partner how bad you feel, but do not expect much sympathy.
5. Give them space!
When you confess, the most human thing for your partner to do is to be in shock, processing the information you have just given them. Don’t nag him/her and understand that he needs to get away and look for a living space to breathe and avoid seeing you. Don’t throw yourself into his/her arms and don’t try to have physical contact, such as patting him/her on the back, to ease his/her pain. Let him/her do what he wants: crying, screaming or walking away from you will be his/her way out. Don’t interrupt his/her anger or feelings; you will take away the role he/she deserves at that moment.
6. Don’t put yourself in his/her shoes!
Even if you think it’s okay to say things like “I understand you” or “I don’t know what I would have done”, you’ve confessed, take responsibility.
Who knows how long this conversation will last or if it will end with a hug or with a suitcase on the doorstep? It’s best to be prepared for any scenario and remember who is responsible for this situation. Without making a big deal of it, just take it on and take it on yourself.